Lizard Man!

Okay – I’ve called this site “Randomness” but mostly it’s “Movie-ness” – that’ll continue in a moment.

But first! My ax to grind.

Who gives a flying fig about Star Jones or Britney Spears or Bradgelina’s baby? I sure as hell don’t and I don’t know anyone within my small circle of friends who don’t care.

I’ll tell you what I DO care about: That’s the state of this world. The poor. The homeless. Our nation’s status in this world. The 50,000 Iraqis who are dead by our bombs. The imbecile in the White House. And the boys (and girls) coming home in body bags.

But what takes up valuable TV time? Britney is nude! Britney is going to be interviewed by Matt Lauer! Barbara Walters v. Star Jones. Nicole Kidman’s honeymoon. PUL-LEEZE!

Now, I know that we can’t have SUPERDEPRESSINGNEWS24-7 or people won’t watch TV and buy Happy Meals and Ford Cars and Erectile Dysfunction Medication. I’m NOT STUPID (okay, maybe I am). But can we PLEASE, PLEASE relegate these NON NEWS EVENTS to the last 2 minutes of the news or give them over to the shows that PURPOSELY talk about this crap? Like “Entertainment Tonight” and “Talk Soup,” etc.?

Is that too much to ask? Probably is.

Okay, back to the movies.

I finished “Metamorphosis” and it was REALLY BAD. Guy takes serum and I thought he would, LOGICALLY, metamoph into a monkey or beast or werewolf or some such normal crap. But instead, he grows old, older and then turns into a large plastic lizard dinosaur thing. At the end we’re to believe he actually then shrunk down to the size of a chameleon or something.

I’m half-way through “Capote” and it’s pretty good. More on that later.

Atmosphere

What is "ATMOSPHERE?"

Well, we know it's got something to do with the sky and oxygen or some sort of sciency type crap but I'm talking film "atmosphere."

I finished, watched and finished and began three movies last night.

I finished "Scream Bloody Murder" which was, pretty darn boring for being the "most violent film ever made" (according to IMDB.com. The fact that the director filmed the pilot for "New Zoo Revue" and some episodes of "The Mickey Mouse Club" is a bit disturbing. Still, the movie was pretty darn boring.

I followed this with the film: "The Bell From Hell" which was an Italian film. This film was LOADED with "atmoshpere." Castles by lakes. Fog. Dark shadows (are there any other kinds?), spooky voices, etc. The biggest problem I had with it is that, a. the Bell really doesn't do anything and b. with it being in the PD the sound was REALLY REALLY bad. You could not understand what they were saying half the time. Still... It LOOKED good in terms of a visual style.

I then started a film called: "Metamorphosis" and I'm 20 minutes in and the scientist/professor has just shot himself up with some sort of cell regenerator syrum. We'll just have to see what happens in the next 80 minutes.

Yesterday I recevied TWO MORE 50 film collections. So this column will continue.

You are hereby warned.

Ugh...

Well, "Deadtime Stories" was like a warped version of "The Princess Bride."

It wasn't bad, on whole, with some actually very good make-up and special effects. The regeneration of a skeleton after a heart is inserted was particularly good.

What made the film disturbing was that the whole premise is that Uncle Charlie (or whatever) is telling this kid (who's 10 or so) these stories.

Well, lets ignore the fact that the first story (the best one) is a fantasy about witches and ghosts or whatever. The 2nd story is about a young girl losing her virginity while on her way to grandma's house. Sex in a storage shed.

The third story involved "Goldilocks" who is this hot blond who goes nude, has sex with "Baby Bear" (a slow retarded guy) and can control anything by staring at it and concentrating REALLY HARD.

80 minutes of bland entertainment.

One other point I wanted to make. For some godknowswhat reason "Match Point" was rated "R." Well, it was rated "R" for "Sexual situations" or something. I don't remember there being any swear words at all. No nudity. Yes, some hot sex scenes but nothing I haven't seen on a soap opera so I have NO IDEA what the panel was looking at.

Heck, it could have been rated G.

Movies Galore!

I must say this was a weekend of films. One of the great things about being older and having children - is forcing/encouraging them to watch films you think they'll enjoy. And then sitting back and either watching them squirm or really get into the films.

My daughter (and friends) have been dying to watch ever 80's movie they can find. So on Friday we had a double feature of "Adventures in Babysitting" and "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" - both were hilarious (as I remembered them) and both my kids well enjoyed.

Around that double feature I have finished my comedy collection and have moved on to my "chillers" collection. Which, so far, isn't very chilling. George Hamilton in "Medusa" - boring. I'm watching "Deadtime Stories" right now which, so far, isn't bad for a cheapie piece of crap.

I DID see two substantial films this weekend: "Match Point" and "The Constant Gardener" - both were very good. But I have two issues with them.

1. "Match Point" being a very different Woody Allen film - was very good - but the detectives at the end did not bring up the fact that she was carrying his baby. I thought that would be in the diary and would have put more pressure on him. (I'm being vague in case you see the film.)

2. "Gardener" was great and it turned into a right kick-ass action film half-way through - but I didn't buy the 3rd act as this attack by a tribe came too coincidentally.

For years I've heard of screenplays having a "Deus Ex Machinea" (which if I have the translation right means: Act of God). What that implies is that you can't suddenly, at the end of a film you've spent 115 minutes building up, only to have the Calvary show up at the end or some other act that closes everything up.

With "Gardener" the story was going great and then, near the end, this action piece happens. I'm not saying it wouldn't or it couldn't happen but how it happens here, at this very moment, when he's meeting with this fellow - just to get to the point quickly - seemed forced and "deus ex machina."

Enjoy.

Almost done...

With those comedy classics!

I'm down to my last two films: "Love Laughs At Andy Hardy" and "Pot of Gold."

I never go into the "Andy Hardy" films but, alas, I never watched them. I was far more involved and enjoyed the "Henry Aldrich" films which I used to watch on Saturday mornings after my paper-route on Canadian Broadcasting (after the Looney Tunes hour).

They're, pretty much, the same. Goofy young kid gets in trouble. Lives at home with wealthy parents. Ends up learning a valuable life lesson, the end. "Love Laughs" was no exception. Funny thing, though, is that the plot all spun around Mickey Rooney (Andy Hardy) wanting to get married. And to think that he, Mickey Rooney, ended up GETTING married some 8 times or so.

Mickey Rooney (who I've seen in about 4 films now from his "hey day") was/is a very talented actor. He really could do it all and he brought an energy and vitality that pulled you into the story. If he was on the screen, for some reason you looked at him. Not the others. Star quality? I don't know. He was/is very short and he's not even that good looking. But there was something about him. An "x" factor, maybe, that brought attention to him. Lets not discount the fact that he could also sing, dance and tell a good joke.

"Pot of Gold" is a musical starring Jimmy Stewart. I'm 10 minutes in and it's not really doing anything for me. Supposedly, Jimmy Stewart hated the film. So far I can't see why - other than the fact that it's your "typical" Jimmy Stewart film. I questioned whether or not Jimmy could even act (seeing that he always seems to play the same role) but then I have to only be reminded of his work in Hitchcock films to remember that they guy could knock it out of the park and then, of course, that lovable favorite: "Wonderful Life" that always moves me to tears.

Almost done with this 50...

What did they expect?

Probably exactly this.

Okay, I'm getting off my movie going soap box and climbing onto my political one.

On Sunday it was Father's Day and, as tradition dictates, we have a barbecue at our house. By 3:30 we had 14 people wandering around the house with me cooking on the grill and drinking beer.

Since most of my family is conservative, especially my in-laws, the conversation often flows in a direction that I don't want to go. And, usually, they don't want to be questioned or asked anything. They just want to blindly make statements that make, really, no logical sense and expect us all to just swallow it like the medicine we so badly need.

So my mother-in-law is going off on North Korea testing missles and my brother is talking about Iran and what they're doing and I'm turning hotdogs and drinking beer and not saying what I REALLY WANT TO SAY.

So here's this: Let's say you live on a street. You can't move off the street - you're there. Stuck. Now, across the street this person's house gets broken in. Well. He looks at the house two doors down from yours and says: THEY'RE AT FAULT! THEY BROKE IN! THEY DID IT!

But... they don't stop there. Not only do they accuse them of breaking in, they then say: WE'RE GOING TO DESTROY YOU! And, then, quickly followed by pointing at all the other houses across the street and saying: WE'RE GOING TO DESTROY YOU, TOO AND YOU AND YOU AND THAT ONE UP THERE!

Okay, you're thinking. This is the rantings of a mad man. A basket case. You had nothing to do with their break in. NOTHING! But, now, it's seems you're on their "list" and, really, what are they going to do.

But soon, in an all out effort, they destroy the house two doors down from you. They talk about it. They brag about it. They're happy about it.

Well, now, you're thinking. If I'm on the list and they did that to THAT house. Well, shit, I better do something to protect MY house. Wouldn't that be a LOGICAL CONCLUSION?

So you start to protect your house. But here's the funny thing. The guy across the street says: "YOU CAN NOT PROTECT YOUR HOUSE!" They're saying we CAN'T protect our house. Well, hell, I'm on this list. Right? You've blown the shit out of one of the houses on the list, right? So I want to protect myself from you - but now you're telling me I CAN'T?

WHERE'S THE FUCKING LOGIC IN THAT?

So... Iran is part of the "Axis of Evil." North Korea is part of the "Axis of Evil." But now...if they choose to try and protect themselves...they can't. Huh?

That don't make no sense.

More MOVIES!

Just to finish my thought on "Bugsy Malone" - it's a film that I can pretty much deem as FUN. It's just a FUN movie. Not great (WHY DID THEY FORCE JODIE FOSTER TO BADLY LIP-SINC?) But, just fun! Like going to Red Robin and buying a big ol' unhealthy burger and a plate of bottomless fries.

Since that movie - I've watched a few more. Nothing too far out of the ordinary (or worth remembering) but I did watch the film "My Gal Friday" which is a re-make of "The Front Page." What made "MGF" better (or different) than "The Front Page" was that, A. It had a woman in it. B. It had Cary Grant. It was almost the EXACT same film except for the first act where you get to meet Grant and his woman (whatever the hell her name is) and establish their relationship. Once the first act was done, it was almost word-for-word the previous version of "The Front Page." Still good, with wacky, funny banter and Cary Grant playing a love lorn ne're do well.

I'm four movies away from finishing up my latest 50 and then it's time to move on to the NEXT 50. Plus my Netflix movies.

So this annoying column will continue...my apologies.

About as different...

For the past two weeks I've been averaging a movie a night. Either finishing or starting a movie - but every night there's another movie to view and then talk about the next day on this pointless blog.

Two movies last night (woo hoo). About as different...

From Netflix I got "Walk The Line." I finished "The Front Page" which - as I wrote yesterday was funny but also quite innovative.

"Walk the Line" (which I've watched half of so far) is very good. But it's a film that breaks a number of screenwriting rules - but confirms that if you have a GOOD STORY you can break those rules. First, it starts with a flashback. People have said: "Flashbacks are gimmicky." But this one works.

Second, it "tells character" - in other words people come up and introduce themselves: "Hi, I'm Sam Phillips!" "This is Jerry Lee Lewis." Obviously Johnny Cash would know that it's Sam Phillips studio or Sam would just say: "I'm Sam." A more SUBTLE way of introducing character was the Elvis Pressley character who (though the actor didn't look much like Elvis to me) offered Cash some "chili fries." Unless Elvis is suppossed to be Carl Perkins - but I could be wrong.

Third, it's a period piece.

Fourth, it's a MUSICAL for gosh sakes.

All in all, an hour and 15 minutes in, though - it's dang good - to hell with conventional screenplay wisdom.

The second film I watched (and watched all the way through) was "Bugsy Malone" - more on that soon...

Seals and the Front Page

Finally. I can die by saying I've seen both films that have "Sammy The Seal" in them. If you haven't seen your Seal movie yet - by gosh - rent them now!

"Sammy The Seal" is a poorly made Public Domain film filmed, I think, in Denmark. No sense me looking it up - that would mean I care. It has a flimsy plot surrounded by scenes of seals and people swimming. The film is only 70 minutes long and there is, at least, 20 minutes of stock footage of seals basking on rocks, seals swimming, seals performing stupid tricks and people swimming. Still, with this film and "Sammy The Way-Out Seal" by the Disney company (could very well be a re-make) - I've seen all the Seal movies I need to see for a lifetime.

The second movie is "The Front Page" - based on a play and remade numerous times, it's a film about a core group of jailhouse reporters, hanging out waiting for a guy to hang. Writing stories, playing poker, lying to each other, making up stuff, etc. Think of a Mamet play - but with lots of comedy and no one using the "F" word.

The version I have is in terrible condition - but what amazed me about this film was the innovative style of photography it used. Filmed in 1931 and produced by Howard Hughes - the scenes mostly take place in one room. The director (whose name escapes me at the moment - look it up on IMDB) did a number of "circular shots" where the camera goes around and around the characters in the scene IN 1931!! Staying in focus and moving smoothly.

In a scene where all the reporters are laughing at one guy, the camera would focus on the laugher, move up and out of focus and then down to the next guy laughing and then back up and out of focus and back down repeatedly. Then they would go back to the circular camera again. Amazing stuff for 75 years ago!

And the film is good, too.

Violence sucked...

I was told a long time ago to see "A History of Violence" along with watching a number of films I need to get off my sorry ass and watch.

So you'll see more capsule reviews of more modern films interspersed with my normal collection of Public Domain dreck (with the occiasional diamond).

Here's what I didn't like about "Violence." First, we all have a past. We all have things in our past that we may, well, not want others to find out. So Tom Stall has a past. A past where he killed people.Well, if you don't know the story - his past comes back to haunt him (in the guise of Ed Harris - with one eye).

The first issue I have with the film is this: Tom has a son. Step son? Not? I don't know. Well, he's picked on by the school bully. When Tom's son makes the final out in a game against that bully - it's the impetus for the bully to kick his ass. Well, the problem that I had, was that the bully is all over the son like: "Oh, so you had to be Mr. big shot and catch the ball!" Uh, the guy didn't do anything. I mean, the ball almost LITERALLY falls into his glove and he catches it. Now, MAYBE THAT'S THE POINT is that the boy DIDN'T do anything. But it sure would have been far more interesting and far better to have the son make SOME sort of effort to catch the ball.

After a botched robbery, Tom Stall shoots and kills the two robbers. He hits the first robber with a glass pitcher, causing him to drop his gun. Seeing the gun, Tom grabs the gun, shoots the other guy and then shoots the dropper in the head after he has stabbed him in the foot.Soon after Ed Harris asks Tom's wife: "How did he get so good a killing?" Excuse me? The guy defended himself as I think I or anyone would have. He didn't do anything out of the realm of possibility (like you're going to see later). He didn't use a specific kung-fu neck-breaking move only used by trained Mafia Hit-Men.

And another reason why this movie sucked. After all the truth is coming out, the wife is all pissed at him and they get in a fight. Her smacking him, he choking her. As she tries to get away, he grabs her by the ankle and she kicks at him and she tries to get up the stairs - with him choking her some more. Then he forces himself on her but she's "willing" and they have some really hot and heavy sex on the stairs. Is it rape? Is it consenual? Is it disturbing? Oh, yeah, foreplay's great when you're choking your wife. Followed almost immediately by a completely un-neccessary full frontal nude shot of the wife.

Finally, in the climax, even though he's been out of the "business" for - at the very least - 17 years (that's if he got his wife pregnant on their wedding day - or before or...) - he's still able to go "Jackie Chan" on the guys sent to kill him. And hardly misses a beat.

Basically, a film that didn't add up to a hill of beans.

Latest movies watched...

For some reason, I've been able to watch (or begin watching) a film a day. Now that I've got Netflix, it's just going to continue.

Once again, I'm watching films that either I was ENCOURAGED to watch by friends and managers - or I'm slowly crawling through my collection of Public Domain films.

The films this weekend are as follows:

"The Smallest Show On Earth" - Public Domain

"A History of Violence" - Netflix - Aragorn going "Jackie Chan"

and

"Sammy the Seal" - Publid Domain

Lets take them one at a time, shall we:

"Show." Show is a British film probably from the late 50's early 60's. The simple story line is that poor couple inherits an old theater in a town in England. It's one of two theaters and the evil theater owner of the GRAND theater wants to tear down the BIJOU and make it a parking lot. The story follows the couple as they turn the theater into a success only to finally sell it to the evil guy for $10,000 pounds and live happily ever after.

The film was, well, unremarkable except for the older actors and one particular scene. You see, taking care of the old BIJOU are three old characters. The ticket lady, the janitor and, my favorite, the drunken projectionist played by Peter Sellars - who - as always - is FREAKING BRILLIANT. Every time he showed up on screen - his talent and skill and humor burst out.

The one scene, though, that made the film was when the couple walks in and they (the three old folks) are watching a silent movie. Peter is showing the film, the older lady plays the piano, the janitor watches enthralled and Peter smiles at the scene. It was WONDERFUL. I really can't describe how it felt - just those fleeting moments - but it's a scene like that in all its quietness and poignancy that packs a wallop.

It's 9 a.m. More, MUCH MORE, later...

Two More Movies +

I finished "Brokeback" and the film went from 2 stars to 4 stars on a scale of 5 stars. The 2nd half redeemed itself and there were some pretty powerful scenes. I did, though, have to replay the last line 5 times to see if I heard it right and, even then, I had to put on subtitles.

I realized that I brought too much of the normal movie viewing to the film and that I had a hard time suspending disbelief when it came to the characters. There were certain things I did not "buy" in the first half of the film. Things that didn't seem very logical. Done for the sake of the scene, not for the sake of story.

The "featurette" about the writing of the screenplay helped take away some of my issues of lack of communication and I still came away with some questions (especially the death of one of the characters) - but maybe I'm a typical 40's male in America who wants things spelled out to him like a F**king McDonalds menu.

After I finished that, I watched "Road to Singapore" with my son. I had thought I had seen every "Road" movie but then saw this. It, frankly, wasn't funny. And here, after telling my son: "These are HILARIOUS!" We watch "Singapore" and it's like, a, movie. Just with songs. The humor was not the type that I'm used to in a "Road" Movie where they are very self aware about what is going on around them and that they're in a movie. My favorite line in one of the BEST road movies: "Road To Bali" is when Bob and Bing are on a boat and the music starts to swell. Bob looks around and then looks right into the camera: "Time to get popcorn, folks, Bing's going to sing." HILARIOUS. None of that self awareness in "Singapore." Hopefully we'll be redeemed for the next one.

Oh, yeah, a young Anotony Quinn was in "Singapore" and comedian Jerry Collonna had a big role.

I followed this with the first half of a film called: "Happy Go Lovely" a romantic comedy with lots of dance/music/ballet. David Niven once again and this time a very young Ceasar Romero before he became a Batman Villain and "A. J. Arno" in all those "Kurt Russell College" movies. It's cute.

Ta

Three more films to add to the mix...

First paragraph: See what I mentioned in previous blogs about seeing actors in their prime.

I watched a film entitled "Eternally Yours" which sounds like what I thought it was going to be: "A Romantic Comedy about a guy who comes back as a ghost to help his wife." When, in fact, it wasn't that at all.

Starring a young David Niven (way before his "No Deposit- No Return" and stupid pointless Pink Panther films) - 29 years old in 1939 and a beautiful Loretta Young. It also starred Broderick Crawford in more of "heavy-weight boxer" stage of his life instead of the old fat curmudgeon roles he played later in life.

Oh, and lastly, Billie Burke in pre: "Glinda the Good Witch" stage but still with that - oh so sweet voice that sounds like she's sucking helium.

Anyway - the point it that it was a good film. Not great by any stretch with some liberal bits of comedy surrounding some deep pathos and emotion.

I followed this with "Good Night and Good Luck" which was very good and now I'm an hour and 15 minutes into "Brokeback" and wondering what all the fuss was about. I'll see if the last hour redeems the film.

More on films later...

Over The Hill Gang

Two more movies to chalk up to the "have been viewed" collection.

I watched the double bill of the "Over The Hill Gang" movies. Basically a bunch of old actors chewing the lines (and the scenary) like a bunch of retirees at an "Old Country Buffett."

These were two made-for-TV movies that ran about 90 minutes each (73 and 74 minutes a piece).

The stories were minor, the sets were good. Seeing old guys act and laugh and joke their way through the script was good. I kept thinking that Aaron Spelling (who produced) was probably hoping for gold ratings - just so they could create a series around it. But, still, what's the demographic when the main characters are all septarians or octegnarians.

In "Over the Hill Gang Rides Again" - Fred Astair played one of the "Texas Rangers" and, though he didn't dance, he talked a helluva lot and as I watched I kept waiting for him to go into the: "And then Santa realized he had a pocket full of magic beans." As his voice kept reminding me of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" Rankin & Bass Christmas Special (but I digress). Basically it was the same issue I had with "Big Fish." Great film, just couldn't get past the main actor's voice as I think he does the "American Express - PRICELESS" ad.

Watched "Star Wars III" with my son. Did George Lucas write the WORST F**KING DIALOGUE EVER?! Terrible.

I still think the movie is really good - but, still...

Talk at you soon

Old Movies...

Watched two movies last night. Okay 1 and a half movies. One of the good things about older movies is that you see actors that have gone on to bigger and/or better and/or worse things "before they were stars" (or some such crap).

For instance in the Jimmy Cagney film I just recently watched, James Frawley was in it. Otherwise known as "Fred" from I Love Lucy. Frawley was a well known comedian who always played the buddy or a member of a group. Chances are he was more famous than Lucy when her show hit the airwaves.

Last night was no exception. Watched a short film (62 minutes) called: "The Great Mike" about a racehorse named "Mike" - now how many racehorses out there have the name "mike" or "susan" or "steve?" They all have multi-syllable names like: "watcherfly" and "speedupandpassyourass" or some such name like that. Well, getting back to the point, GUESS WHO WAS IN IT! None other than "Alfalfa" from the "Little Rascals" - of course at this point he was 15 or 16 and just a few years away from getting gunned down but, still, nice to see him.

Then I watched half of a film called "Three Guys Named Mike" (not about a horse). This film starred the FIRST Mrs. Ronald Reagan: Jane Wyman. It's about stewardesses (stewardi?) who work for American Airlines. It's pretty much: "how to be subserviant to men and passengers but still be cute and bubbly" - if it was made today it would star Gwenyth Paltrow and Alicia Silverstone and there'd be some hot lesbian action - well, I could hope. Anyway, getting back to my point - the woman who TRAINS the stewar---(flight attendants) was none other than Barbara "Leave it to Beaver" Billingsly! Looking pretty young and, well, pretty hot.

All for now...

Me and Netflix...

Melinda, my producer, has been on my sorry ass for months about not seeing enough movies. One of my latest e-mails from her she was telling me which films I should see:

Capote
Brokeback Mountain
Walk the Line

and others

Now, I've been using excuses like I have no time, or money, or energy to get said sorry ass out to the theaters to watch these films. But...I have more time in the world to watch Public Domain films (like 7 films total over the weekend).

In one sense I've watched 50 films in the past month and a half. In the other sense 95% of them are older than 50 years.

So, finally, FINALLY - I joined Netflix. I have 60 films now in my queue. I got my first two films yesterday and, since most films are now released on DVD within 3 months after the film has been pulled from theatrical release - I should be pretty up-to-date on most of the recent films. At least that's my hope.

Oops! Forgot to add "Munich" to the list. Let me do that now.